Chapter 14

Mama: 7beebti entyy enty kwaysa 

w she started to check on me law swet shay feni like cutting or anything

and she forced me to eat w i did gdamha 3shan ma tshel hami

w i went to my room locked the door w jbt a tooth brush w d5lta f my throat to throw up all the food i ate.

What did i just do? whats happening to me? am i going crazy?

I threw up the food i ate 3shan i dont want to feel heavier than this. i dont feel like eating the smell of food now disgust me. 

you know whats scary? the fact that ahmed my baby cant eat because hes dead he'll turn to bones and skull, hes burried down there in a white cover a tiny grave, rest in peace ahmed may god be with you and have mercy on you!

those thoughts made me wanna hurt myself i need physical pain!!! 5a9tn when '6meri g3d y2wrni because im the blame of everything lesh yarbi lesh!!! 

I grapped a very edgy metal and started to cut myself 3nd b6ni 3shan nobody can see wla y5af 3lay

I used to get scared when i see blood bs now im enjoying it I totally deserve this feeling!

Anoud: lamoyaa 7beebti open the door jbtlk superise

uf mali 5lg shay bs id be so rude if i didnt answer!

I opened the door 

Lama: shukran 7beebti makan lah da3i tt3been nfsk

It was her famous delicious cheesecake mra mraa 7lu knt edman min kthr ma hw 7lu kan yjelha 6albyat w tbe3hum bs she got bored tgoul it isnt her thing!

My voice seemed like not very excited bs i bet she wouldnt blame me.

Anoud: 7g w wajb 7beebti 

Anoud: keefk al7een? 

Its ben 3 days now..

Lama: el7amdella 

playing with my hair looking down at the floor to hide my sad expression.

Anoud: 6yb shrayk n6l3 n'3ayr jaw?

Lama: laa2 laa2 amana enty rou7i '3ayri jaw ana abd mali 5lg

Anoud: la2 many 6al3a ela rjly brjlk

Lama: laa anoud bla s5afa im good a7taj astre7 shway feni elnoum

Anoud: LAMA enty els5efa yallah bagi 2 days w trj3en w ma6l3na ela mra

Lama started to cry remember the day 6l3t m3 elbnat w b3dha mrha ahmed.

Anoud: mu g9di athkrk 7beeeebti 

she threw her hands in the air and came closer to hug me.

Anoud -whispering-: ya allah ana shswet

she stayed with me all night to calm me down elen ma i slept.

Thank god i have a best friend zay anoud wallah <3 law wa7da thanya min jd makan est7mltni m3 bkyi w my breakdown.

2 days later...

Lama: Mabi mama mabi arj3 london!!!

Mama: ya mama laish?

Lama: mama kl shay ythkrni feh!!! w esh aswi el7ali henak ma3rf wla a7d

Mama: 7beebti hatha eli rbi ktba mayser ya mama twgfeen derastk w enshallah trou7en tt3rfeen 3la nas

Mama: 7beebti la tbkeen t3wthi min ebles w ed3ela allah ysahl 3leek w ysrlk 

Lama: allah yr7ma w y'3frela yarb 

Mama: sha6ra yallah btt25reen 3l6yara

I SERIOUSLY DO NOT WANT TO LEAVE! 

I dont wanna go back without him! keef ra7 ast7ml etha 7ta shgty t'thkrni fehh??? w eljam3aa? this is going to be fucking hard!!!

I regret every second sf6ta feh acting thgl w angel!!! I regret the time we were in the airplane w 5leta ynam when he wanted to talk to me, yaleet law yrj3 elwgt wallah manam i would spend 24hrs with him talking, staring and kissing him.

so lets skip all the airport thingy w wa9lna london my apartment I sat there staring at the place were ahmed always sit. wearing his jacket I can still smell his perfume it was l'homme yves saint laurent i sat in that sofa for days not eating anything and it become a habit to vomit my food even though i eat little.

I skipped a week now 3shan i couldnt handle seeing ahmed in every corner at the collage. im not ready now bs i have to!

I wake up i didnt care what to wear 9ra7a usually I really care about what Im wearing now the only thing i care about is the color; black is what i feel now really dark just like my world right now.

"You can do it lama" "you'll eventually get over what happened and forget ahmed"

My thoughts, trying to give myself good vibes bs hm lets say the truth its not working.

So since mafi a7d 5leeji m3ay flclass not that i know y3ni i picked a spanish partner for my project

Lama: Hi you've got a partner?

The partner: no youve got one?

Lama: nope

The partner: so wanna be mine?

Lama: sure I'm lama

The partner: nice to meet you lama! Im lilly

Lama: Nice name 

I faked a smile remembering our "ahmed and I" baby eli kna nbi nsmeha lilly

Lilly: thanks i like yours where are you from?

Lama: Im from saudi

Lilly: cool Im from spain

Lama: yeah i noticed that from the accent haha

Lilly: yep so when are we starting

Lama: whenever it suits you 

Lilly: how about we meet at the library at 7pm thats suits you?

Lama: thats great

Lilly: okay then see you at 7 bye

So ill describe lilly shes really beautiful bs t3rfoun eli la3ben bnafshum with the dark make up w piercings and she has got a black curly hair len katfha her clothes looks so rough 3rftu elstudds and skull and bones? ewa ketha she kinda look scary bs shbtsweli y3ni

so at 7 i went to the library i found her there, kuways shes on time

Lama: hi so we start?

Lilly: alright lets do this

we studied our project w ketha we took a break a hour has passed

Lilly: hey lets go grab a coffee?

Lama: okay why not

Lilly: so you've got a lighter?

Lama: I dont smoke

Lilly: oh so you are a good girl

Lama: well you can say that 

so she stopped a guy asking him for a lighter w she lighted her cigarette 

Lilly: ofcorse you are the happy spoiled girl from saudi arabia huh

and she laughed 

okay that was kind of rude bs that what European people think about us huh will shes wrong and i need to correct that for her.

Lama: no im not happy spoiled girl from saudi arabia i have problems and im not happy im suffering

Lilly: what and why is that

Lama: I lost my only bestfriend and boyfriend in a car accident last week in our engagement day

Lilly: omg im really sorry for that!!!

Lama: thats okay

I dont know why! when i talk about ahmed lazm i tear up is it normal?

I wiped my tears away 

Lilly: hey dont cry thats life you know you lose people, you gain people there's ups and downs and everyone dies at the end. so yeah.

Lama: life sucks huh

Lilly: It fucking does, screw life

I laughed at her

Lama: what about you? are you happy?

Lilly: well im broke trying to get good grades and my boyfriend just dumped but it doesnt matter whatever

Lama: thats sucks im sorry

Lilly: its okay so you wanna try?

getting a cigarette out of her pocket

Lilly: It'll make you feel better for now atleast.

I REALLY NEED SOMETHING TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER! bs thats too risky? bs i'll just try it. nothing will happen y3ni. ana 3agla akthr min ma admn ill just use one to make me feel better for now.

Lilly: excuse me miss? you've got a lighter?

The girl got a lighter out and she lit one for me and one for her...