Chapter 15

getting a cigarette out of her pocket

Lilly: It'll make you feel better for now atleast.

I REALLY NEED SOMETHING TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER! bs thats too risky? bs i'll just try it. nothing will happen y3ni. ana 3agla akthr min ma admn ill just use one to make me feel better for now.

Lilly: excuse me miss? you've got a lighter?

The girl got a lighter out and she lit one for me and one for her...

I inhaled it, and exhaled it I must admit it really made me relax i felt like im exhaling all the pain. I watched the past go up in smoke.

I really liked the feeling I got the second cigarette and inhaled it.

shway shway lget nafsi Im addicted.

I look horrible pale and skinny, im all skull and bones right now everything i eat i automatically throw it up i have no food in my system Im losing alot of weight 

Its amazing how you can quickly get addicted to this shit I smoke packs now.

A week later..

The class is finished I went outside the building to smoke and smell some fresh air.

I was smoking and a voice interrupted me.

A guy: what a girl like you doing with this shit?

He was really tall muscled guy he had a sexy dirty and I knew he was saudi from his eyes they were really mka7la and huge.

I was hoping that he'll not know that im saudi acting all british faking the accent

Lama: its none of your business

I inhaled one more last time and threw it away.

The guy: well its not bs wa7da 3ndha hal3youn elbre2a w elwajh eljameela mafrou'6 mat5rba.

Lama: Im sorry? I didnt understand anything you've said

and I walked away crossing my fingers hoping he'll buy all the act.

The guy: Lama

I walked quicker, that was just freaky!

he knows my name! and he saw me smoking. ALLAH YSTR!

So I got to the cafeteria I took a coffee and sat reading my favorite book.

The guy came and sat at the same table right infront of me I gave him a look w 3la 6wl i returned to my book. 

A guy: ajal acting british and he laughed

Lama: what the fuck are you saying?

still talking with my fake british accent

A guy: esm3i 3lagl if you wanna act like you are british wela mub s3odya dont read an arabic book infront of me.

and he laughed

How stupid am i? I forgot that i was reading an arabic book.

Lama: okay wsh tbi al7een?

The guy: abi a3rf shay!

Lama: what is it

I sounded like i was annoyed and I really waaas.

The guy: shfeek t'3ayrti?

Oh so he knows me before okay thats just freakier. 

Lama: Do i even know you?

The guy: obviously no.

Lama: ajal shtby??

The guy: I told you wsh abi

Lama: its none of your business!!

The guy: I just wanted you to know what you are doing is wrong.

and he simply got up and walked away.

So a guy I dont know comes up to me judging me without knowing my story zay ketha. thats really annoying!

bs hey I dont give a damn about what he thinks about me, no one can judge me. 

a week later 

Ive havent seen that guy el7amdellah until that day again, and guess what i was doing? yup i was smoking.

6ab3n i dont smoke infront the campus bl'6b6 ketha ad5l 7wari behind the campus.

The guy: elslam 3laikum.

Lama: w3laykum elslam and Im only answering you 3shan rd elslam wajb

The guy laughed: m3ak wla3a?

Lama: yeah?

y3ni aked bekoun m3ay cant he see that im smoking

and he got a cigarrette out 

Okay so he smokes and he judges me 3shani i smoke?

The guy: Im faisal

I ignored him.

Faisal: i know you think im stalking bs im not

Lama: ajal shjaybk hena?:)

Faisal: shgti fougk

w he was pointing at the building

I laughed and he laughed

Faisal: 3ajbk eli g3d tswena?

Lama: 3afwn?

Faisal: t3rfeen ena mub zain

Lama: etha t3rf ena mub zain why are you smoking?

Faisal: Im not happy about it

Lama: neither I am.

Faisal: ajal lesh g3d td5neen

Lama: can you not judge please!!!!

Faisal: Im not judging im saving you

Lama: I dont need you to save me, save yourself gbl

Faisal: enty bnt wrak zwaj, ahl, a6fal w 7ram t5rbeen jamalk 

I ignored him looking at the sky while inhaling and exhaling the smoke.

Faisal: elzbdah shkli mz3jk ana bs 7bet an97k min a5u ele5t w atmna enk tfkreen zeen yallah m3 elslama

i did ignore him again, hes so rude w may3rf yn9a7 if he wants me to stop smoking 3lagl dont smoke infront of me, '3bi

 so i went back to the campus for my class it was math.. it was a big hall i never notice men m3ay i just sit in front row w i listen to the professor. 

 The same guy came and sat next to me, that explains how he knows my name, 6l3 he attends math class with me.

 The professor: "So theres a project due thursday but this time we'll try something new, partner project"

 GOD NO!

 I was to busy cursing the professor bdal ma i chose my partner lafeet yameni and the guy next to me already had a partner so mbgali ela 3la ysari faisal:)

 Faisal: looks like everyone got a partner mabga ela ana wyak

 Lama: lla2sf

 Faisal: allah hal gd tkrheni -laughing-

 Lama: can we get back to the project

 Faisal: yeah so my apartment or yours?

 Lama: n3mm? no apartments.

 this is the first time me doing project with a saudi guy w i dont know if other girls are okay with going to there apartment bs nooo not going to happen 5air enshallah y3ni!

 Faisal: 6yb asf I think you misunderstood, starbucks or the library?

 No library are awkward so i picked starbucks. 

 Faisal: see you at 8?

 Lama: okay!

 Faisal: hey lama you wanna give me your number aw ay shay 3shan ntwa9l 3n elproject.

 Lama: no.

 Faisal: stop playing hard to get we're only project partner

that was so rude

 Lama: im not playing hard to get wla ay shay bs marta7lk w mub lazm a36ek my number 3shan elproject just be there at 8 

I know mart7lk kant rude bs he totally deserve it.

Faisal: 5la9 okay eli yray7k

 --

8pm:

I went to starbucks didnt find faisal yet i ordered w jlst mar n9 s3a and he didnt came i started to search and stuff mar7 awgf sh'3li 3shana b9ra7a and he finally came.

 Lama: la badri -a36eta 5za-

 Faisal: ee sorry something came up, law kan 3ndi rgmk kan i whatsapped you eni bt25r bs enty mar'6eti

 Lama: i know where this is going dont try ma5leetni andm wla a8n3tni -laughing-

 Faisal: maglt shay ana -laughing-

 Lama: so 6l3t everything bs bagi ent t6l3...... -talking about the project-

 he was kind of serious when it came to the project and he superisingly he was nice too.

 B3d ma5l9na rj3 elhis natraul annoying personality 

 Faisal: so wanna take you to another date? -winks-

 Lama: asfa? another? -laughing so hard-

 esh eli another he thought that this is a date hes hilarious

 Faisal: yeah did you enjoy the date? so romantic 97?

 so he was just teasing me out.

 Lama: you're hilarious

 Faisal: in a good way -winks-

 Lama: not. not. 

he was hilarious in a good way he made me laugh y3ni bs hes annoying lamn yshouf nfsa w y7sb ymoun.

 Faisal: so esh glti?

 Lama: la2 dont try

 Faisal: 6yb ill walk you home nsoulf we didnt get the chance to know each other

 Lama: 6yb bs first there's rules: first, dont get me annoyed like you always do. second, dont flirt with me cayse thats annoying.

 Faisal: weird girls love me when i flirt.

 Lama: well i dont im not that kind of girl

 Faisal: 5la9 okay deal

 I smiled

 Faisal: shall we?

 Lama: we shall

and he opened the door for me 

 Faisal: t3rfeen i remember the first time i saw you?

 Lama: rule number two no flirting

 Faisal: shfeek enty 5leni akml yemken bsbk aw b6nz

 Lama: rule number one dont get me annoyed

 Faisal: yaleel esm3i bkml 6yb=))

 Lama: okay yallah

 Faisal: you were wearing pink cardigan and white tshirt w jeans you had simple and beautiful make up  p.s not flirting just complimenting you- -I laughed- elzbdah akml you looked really happy and healthy w 3lamatw83 magd shftk t7t shgti w shklk maknti td5neen bs now you smoke, all you wear is black and you lost alot of weight your face is pale now you look not healthy looks like there's something going on with you?

 My face color kanu g3d ynglbon alwan my eyes emtlt moya a7wl mabki. w g3dt sakta a6al3 elar'6

 Faisal stopped w rf3 rasi and the tears were streaming so hard, getting flashbacks about how my life was perfect and i was so happy and know its exactly the opposite. 

 Faisal: lama shfeek g3d t9e7een tell me maybe i can help you??!! is there a guy sawalk shay!

 Faisal Point of view:

- i dont usually do p.o.v bs 3shan you know more about him.-

 girls they come and go, to me they're dolls you play with them. I can break any girl heart and dont feel anything bl3aks i enjoy it bs this girl shes totally different, i remember the first day i saw her. she looked me in the eye asking me if this is the math class but she doesnt remember that or 7ta remembers me she has an angel eyes they're huge w ylgoon min elbra2a and they're bright just like her life she seems so happy and that the most thing i loved about her. I didnt talk to her or show mymy existence even though shes with me blclass you know why? i dont wanna hurt her, every girl i get to know gets hurt from me i dont want that to happen to her. I think shes different.

 When i left my apartment i found her smoking I got really shocked. 7sbtha bare2a, and supersingly i still do lw bnt thanya kan 7kmt 3leha bs this one i didnt i knew something was going on t9rofatha t'3ayrt her look t'3yr she wear heavy eye make up and all she wear is black and she lost alot of weight shway w t5tfi her face looks really not healthy ana bdet a5af 3lbnt i must talk to her w an97ha agl shay agdr aswi y3ni.

Elbnt mra thgl w 3neda i cant seem to talk to her w lamn t39b she scares me b9ra7a.. even though everything i still find her beautiful and cute.

t3rfoun lamn tktmoun shay elftra 6wela and you want it all out? ketha knt 7awlt amsk lsani bs i couldnt 

 I told faisal everything. kef kant 7yati w kef 9art kef Im a mess now and depression is eating me slowly.

 Faisal didnt say any word he just hugged me. that kind of hug is all i needed to make me feel better.

Chapter 14

Mama: 7beebti entyy enty kwaysa 

w she started to check on me law swet shay feni like cutting or anything

and she forced me to eat w i did gdamha 3shan ma tshel hami

w i went to my room locked the door w jbt a tooth brush w d5lta f my throat to throw up all the food i ate.

What did i just do? whats happening to me? am i going crazy?

I threw up the food i ate 3shan i dont want to feel heavier than this. i dont feel like eating the smell of food now disgust me. 

you know whats scary? the fact that ahmed my baby cant eat because hes dead he'll turn to bones and skull, hes burried down there in a white cover a tiny grave, rest in peace ahmed may god be with you and have mercy on you!

those thoughts made me wanna hurt myself i need physical pain!!! 5a9tn when '6meri g3d y2wrni because im the blame of everything lesh yarbi lesh!!! 

I grapped a very edgy metal and started to cut myself 3nd b6ni 3shan nobody can see wla y5af 3lay

I used to get scared when i see blood bs now im enjoying it I totally deserve this feeling!

Anoud: lamoyaa 7beebti open the door jbtlk superise

uf mali 5lg shay bs id be so rude if i didnt answer!

I opened the door 

Lama: shukran 7beebti makan lah da3i tt3been nfsk

It was her famous delicious cheesecake mra mraa 7lu knt edman min kthr ma hw 7lu kan yjelha 6albyat w tbe3hum bs she got bored tgoul it isnt her thing!

My voice seemed like not very excited bs i bet she wouldnt blame me.

Anoud: 7g w wajb 7beebti 

Anoud: keefk al7een? 

Its ben 3 days now..

Lama: el7amdella 

playing with my hair looking down at the floor to hide my sad expression.

Anoud: 6yb shrayk n6l3 n'3ayr jaw?

Lama: laa2 laa2 amana enty rou7i '3ayri jaw ana abd mali 5lg

Anoud: la2 many 6al3a ela rjly brjlk

Lama: laa anoud bla s5afa im good a7taj astre7 shway feni elnoum

Anoud: LAMA enty els5efa yallah bagi 2 days w trj3en w ma6l3na ela mra

Lama started to cry remember the day 6l3t m3 elbnat w b3dha mrha ahmed.

Anoud: mu g9di athkrk 7beeeebti 

she threw her hands in the air and came closer to hug me.

Anoud -whispering-: ya allah ana shswet

she stayed with me all night to calm me down elen ma i slept.

Thank god i have a best friend zay anoud wallah <3 law wa7da thanya min jd makan est7mltni m3 bkyi w my breakdown.

2 days later...

Lama: Mabi mama mabi arj3 london!!!

Mama: ya mama laish?

Lama: mama kl shay ythkrni feh!!! w esh aswi el7ali henak ma3rf wla a7d

Mama: 7beebti hatha eli rbi ktba mayser ya mama twgfeen derastk w enshallah trou7en tt3rfeen 3la nas

Mama: 7beebti la tbkeen t3wthi min ebles w ed3ela allah ysahl 3leek w ysrlk 

Lama: allah yr7ma w y'3frela yarb 

Mama: sha6ra yallah btt25reen 3l6yara

I SERIOUSLY DO NOT WANT TO LEAVE! 

I dont wanna go back without him! keef ra7 ast7ml etha 7ta shgty t'thkrni fehh??? w eljam3aa? this is going to be fucking hard!!!

I regret every second sf6ta feh acting thgl w angel!!! I regret the time we were in the airplane w 5leta ynam when he wanted to talk to me, yaleet law yrj3 elwgt wallah manam i would spend 24hrs with him talking, staring and kissing him.

so lets skip all the airport thingy w wa9lna london my apartment I sat there staring at the place were ahmed always sit. wearing his jacket I can still smell his perfume it was l'homme yves saint laurent i sat in that sofa for days not eating anything and it become a habit to vomit my food even though i eat little.

I skipped a week now 3shan i couldnt handle seeing ahmed in every corner at the collage. im not ready now bs i have to!

I wake up i didnt care what to wear 9ra7a usually I really care about what Im wearing now the only thing i care about is the color; black is what i feel now really dark just like my world right now.

"You can do it lama" "you'll eventually get over what happened and forget ahmed"

My thoughts, trying to give myself good vibes bs hm lets say the truth its not working.

So since mafi a7d 5leeji m3ay flclass not that i know y3ni i picked a spanish partner for my project

Lama: Hi you've got a partner?

The partner: no youve got one?

Lama: nope

The partner: so wanna be mine?

Lama: sure I'm lama

The partner: nice to meet you lama! Im lilly

Lama: Nice name 

I faked a smile remembering our "ahmed and I" baby eli kna nbi nsmeha lilly

Lilly: thanks i like yours where are you from?

Lama: Im from saudi

Lilly: cool Im from spain

Lama: yeah i noticed that from the accent haha

Lilly: yep so when are we starting

Lama: whenever it suits you 

Lilly: how about we meet at the library at 7pm thats suits you?

Lama: thats great

Lilly: okay then see you at 7 bye

So ill describe lilly shes really beautiful bs t3rfoun eli la3ben bnafshum with the dark make up w piercings and she has got a black curly hair len katfha her clothes looks so rough 3rftu elstudds and skull and bones? ewa ketha she kinda look scary bs shbtsweli y3ni

so at 7 i went to the library i found her there, kuways shes on time

Lama: hi so we start?

Lilly: alright lets do this

we studied our project w ketha we took a break a hour has passed

Lilly: hey lets go grab a coffee?

Lama: okay why not

Lilly: so you've got a lighter?

Lama: I dont smoke

Lilly: oh so you are a good girl

Lama: well you can say that 

so she stopped a guy asking him for a lighter w she lighted her cigarette 

Lilly: ofcorse you are the happy spoiled girl from saudi arabia huh

and she laughed 

okay that was kind of rude bs that what European people think about us huh will shes wrong and i need to correct that for her.

Lama: no im not happy spoiled girl from saudi arabia i have problems and im not happy im suffering

Lilly: what and why is that

Lama: I lost my only bestfriend and boyfriend in a car accident last week in our engagement day

Lilly: omg im really sorry for that!!!

Lama: thats okay

I dont know why! when i talk about ahmed lazm i tear up is it normal?

I wiped my tears away 

Lilly: hey dont cry thats life you know you lose people, you gain people there's ups and downs and everyone dies at the end. so yeah.

Lama: life sucks huh

Lilly: It fucking does, screw life

I laughed at her

Lama: what about you? are you happy?

Lilly: well im broke trying to get good grades and my boyfriend just dumped but it doesnt matter whatever

Lama: thats sucks im sorry

Lilly: its okay so you wanna try?

getting a cigarette out of her pocket

Lilly: It'll make you feel better for now atleast.

I REALLY NEED SOMETHING TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER! bs thats too risky? bs i'll just try it. nothing will happen y3ni. ana 3agla akthr min ma admn ill just use one to make me feel better for now.

Lilly: excuse me miss? you've got a lighter?

The girl got a lighter out and she lit one for me and one for her...

Chapter 13

I can't handle her crying again poor lama she looked so sad in any minute mumkn tnjn! i don't wanna see her ketha g3da tt3thb when she got out of the bathroom with this stunning dress on her which fits her perfectly she looked so happy like nothing happened i don't wanna ruin it for her. i had to act along.

Lama: enshallah thank you!! and hey do you think i should wear a necklace? wela the glitter is enough

Abdullah: no i think its fine like that 

Lama: okay no necklace then

I plugged my curlier and sat 

Lama: uf mali 5lg aswi sha3ri

and i started to curl it.. wore my heels and went down i waited for hours

8pm: 

abdullah didnt leave me alone 5ayf a3ml 7aja bnfsi or i breakdown.

Lama: klm mama 5leha tjy gbl mayjoun

he remained silent

Lama: mar7 tklm? uf okay ana bklm

w ana jya i dial my moms number mama td5l

she looked really pale and black.

Lama: mama a5eran yallah bsr3a aked hum jayen bl6reg

mama gave abdullah the shocked look, he told her that i know ahmeds dead bs how i acted and dressed was totally different I can feel ahmed giving mama looks behind me!

Mama: 7beebti lama eg3di aklmk shwaya

Lama: mama mafi wagt!!!

Mama: 7beebti ahmed ra7 elmkan a7sn min henaa enshallah ra7 3nd rbk

I started to laugh like something was extremely funny happened

and then I cried my tears out until i blacked out.

I woke up finding myself laying on a hospital bed.

Lama: wain ana? 

Mama: 7beebti enty blmstshfa

Lama: wsh 9ar feni??

Mama: o'3ma 3leek w mafek enshallah ela el3afya la t5afeen

Lama: lesh o'3ma 3lay?

and anoud entered the room

Anoud: Laaama 7beebtiiii ya gaaalbi 

and she was in tears

Lama: umm meen enty?

anoud stepped back and looked at my mother.

umi 3la 6oul 6l3t bra el'3urfa running without saying any word

Anoud: lama ana 3noud? shfek t'3yrt 3leek 3shan b6ni y3ni

she came closer

Lama: ma3rftk wallah! esmk 3noud elesh?

Anoud: ana 3noud alxx you're my best friend and im yours since 5 yrs old kna swa blmdrsa every year m3 b3'6 bl9f magd frgona t5rjna min mdars elXX 

Lama: ana m5trja min mdars AlXX?

and my mom entered with the doctor, the doctor came up to me w he did few eye checking and stuff b3den he started asking me questions about my life which i didnt know the answers for 3noud w mama kanu yjawboun and we all realized that ive lost my memory!!!

All of my memories 7ta ahmed's eli i didnt imagine forgetting it!

Mama: kef y3ni ya doctor mafi aml trj3 thakrtha?

Doctor: lsa mabyn m3ana bs law sm7 allah 9dg fagdt thakrtha el7al elw7eed hwa ena tswi her routine zay daymn

Mama: bs elroutine 7gha mu hena blondon w eli tg3d m3a w her only routine twfa ams

Doctor: aa ajal min el9adma?

Mama: a'6ahr

Doctor: etha min el9dma sahl trj3 thakrtha 7awlo twrounha 9wr thkroha b ashya2 hathi el7alat tstmr agl min 5 hours bs a7yann matrj3 klha

Mama: 6yb shukran ya doctor allah y36ek el3afya

Anoud: 5alti yemken hathi 5era!

Mama: shloun 5era ya 3noud wsh tgoulen elbnt mat'thkrk

Anoud: la ag9d enha ra7ma min rbi 3shan tnsa ahmed

Mama: ee wallah 9adga yalet trj3 kl thakrtha w tbga ahmed

Anoud: ee wallah ya 5alti 7ram wallah tg63 elglb

Mama: t3ali emshi nwreha 9wr w nthkrha b ashya2

Anoud: 7bebti lama adri enk mat'thkreni bs enshallah you will b3d matshoufen hal 9wr 

w she started to scroll the pictures of me and her w our friends w tgouli 3nhum

"shoufi hatha byoum t5arojna kna nbki 3shan kbrna w btfrg" anoud said

"kef tfrgna" Lama asked

"enty r7ti london tdrseen architecture w ana hena adrs law"

while she was scrolling fj2a 6l3t 9wrti ana w ahmed and she scrolled fast 3shan mashofha

Lama: raj3yyyy raaaj3y

Anoud: haa dgega 

w wartni 9oura '3er

Lama: laa mush hathi fi 9oura knt m3 wa7d a3rfa!!!

Anoud looked at my mother and my mother nodded her head y3ni zay eli r'6t twreni

Anoud rj3t el9oura

I kept looking at the picture zooming through ahmeds face

Lama: I looked so happy men hatha

Anoud: hatha um ahmed

i gave a big sigh, i can feel it my memory is coming back again

To the day i took the picture with him

London, 16 November

Ahmed: lamoyti ya 7ubi elawl w ela5er

Lama: tdri b'3yaabk wsh y9eeer tdm3 f3eni dnytyyy w a9b7 blaa shoufk '6reeer

Ahmed: 9dg? law '3bt btdm3 f3enk dnytk? 

Lama: ee b9b7 bla shoufk '6reer

Ahmed: allah allah romancya elyoum lazm nst'3l elfur9a yallah boseni

Lama: yallah bs ay romancya knt aslklk a9ln

Ahmed: kthaba law '3bt btswen aswa2 a9ln 

Lama: w3 bl3aks bsjd sjoud shukr

Ahmed: e7lfy

Lama: esh tb'3a ent min 7yati uf

w '6rbta 3la 9dra 

Ahmed: abek tbouseni yallah yallah bsr3a

Lama: 7lm ebles bljanna

Ahmed: ajal ana eli babosk

Lama: ketha yu3tbr e'3t9ab ra7 ashtki 3lek w ysjnonk ll2bd w tmout yay

Ahmed: allah allah e'3t9ab mra wa7da a3othbellah

and he backed off acting like hes scared while he was laughing

Ahmed: bwrek shswet

Lama: wsh swet

and he took his shirt off in public!!

Lama: omg are you crazy m3rfkk tfshl wa5r

Ahmed: shoufi 

it was a 'L' letter tattoo on his cgest where his heart is

Lama: ma a9dgk yes you are officially crazyyy 

Ahmed: kefi im crazy for you

Lama: t3rf enk en6rft min r7mt allah??? w etha ahlk shafooh w ay a7dd wsh btgoul!!

Ahmed: bgoulhum ana 5arouf lama w eli mu 3ajba ynt7r??

I laughed he sounded so childish yet so cute!

Lama: tbi td5l elnar:(?

Ahmed: hey shfeek hatha temporarily=))

Lama: uf a7sb

Ahmed: ana mashrb w wla shay w tbeni 3la tattoo a5rbha mfrou'6 t'th8een feni

Lama: rj3 your shirt 3shan ath8 fek yallah

I laughed

Ahmed: 3la shr6

Lama: yarb mu abosk

Ahmed: boseni

Lama: Laa2aaa

Ahmed: okay ajal many mrj3ha w dgega

and he walked to a girl 

Ahmed: hey there

The girl: hi

and she looked really cheap trying to flirt

Lama: esh g3da tswyyy?

Ahmed: can you believe that my girlfriend wont kiss me?

The girl: oh you got a girlfriend

Lama: um hi. 

The girl: why wouldnt you kiss him hes hot i would totally kiss him

Lama: kli tbn ya w95a ya bnt elklb enshallah td5len elnarr b3di 3n zouji

and i give her a bitchy smile.

The girl: sorry

Ahmed: oh im sorry she doesnt speak english she said she likes your purse

I gave him a silly look!

The girl: oh since she doesnt speak english you wanna go out tonight to the club i would wink but she'll understand

Ahmed was laughing so haaard and I felt like a fire in my heart i was so jealous!

Lama: excuse my language but go fuck yourself you fucking bitch

Ahmed sa7bni gbl ma n6ag ana wyaha blyd=))

Ahmed: ya zeeen eli y'3arouuunn

Lama: ana a'3ar 3leek w3 w3! 

Ahmed: ajal shfeek glbti 3lbnt 

Lama: 3shanha cheap esh elyyy 

Ahmed: oh y3ni you wouldnt mind me going with her tonight

Lama: oh my god 

and i walked away acting dramatic LOL!

Ahmed: amzaa7 wallah wagfyy shfeek 39bti ana mjnoun a6l3 wla a7b '3eerk kan su2al 3shan bs aktshf etha t'3areen w you obviously dooo;)

Lama: shut up you dont have to point that out

Ahmed: lesh mu 3eeb bl3aks!! g3da tfar7eeni a7bk wallah!!

Lama: 7ta ana 

and my face turned to a tomato.. 

Ahmed turned his face, pointed at my cheeks w got it closer to my lips

Ahmed: yallah wla bz3l w b6l3 m3 thek

and i give him a kiss w lf wajha when his lips met mine 3la 6wl i stepped back

Lama: yaa 5araaa i wont believe you agaain w no more kisses

It was the best seconds of my life that i would never forget and i did not forget!!!

I remember it like it was yesterday I relived the kiss and it almost felt real!

back to reality..

Lama: ahmeeeed!!! t'thkrtaa!!! where is heee?

I smiled

Mama looked down and anoud tear felt down

the memories they're all coming back anoud, my friends, moments, w ahm shay the first thing i remembered ahmed.

I remembered that ahmed died yesterday w awl masm3t el5br min abdullah a5oy I relived that moment w yaleetni i didn't! I actually relived every single memory kl shay!!! y5wf y3ni ka2nk g3da tt7asben youm el8yama kl shay min youm ma ana 9'3eera b thwani i relived them all!

I brust into tears looking at my hands..

Lama: hes dead.. ahmeds dead.

Anoud: allah kreem 7beebti

giving me a side hug

my mom couldnt handle my crying fa ra7t bra 

I kept crying all day non stoping my eyes they were red and puffy from all the crying and my face looked so pale like i was dead and I do believe that Im dead cause my heart; ahmed is dead.

I went back home the next day w kl step i take a7s eldenya g3da tdour, all my clothes smelled like ahmed it was like he was here.

2 days maru

Mama: 7beebti lama mayseer eli tswena f7alk eft7i elbaaab 7raaam 3leeek tsween feni kethaa

she was crying

w min jd fkrt feha esh thanb mama a3yshha bl7zn eli ana feh 7ram tshoufni abki ketha gdamha w 7absa nafsi wla akl wla shay

Mama: 6yb ya mama rdy 3lay la ykoun 9ar fek 7aja

I wiped my tears away w i faked smile trying to act strong w ft7t elbab elmama w 3la 6wl she hugged me

Mama: 7beebti entyy enty kwaysa 

w she started to check on me law swet shay feni like cutting or anything

and she forced me to eat w i did gdamha 3shan ma tshel hami

w i went to my room locked the door w jbt a tooth brush w d5lta f my throat to throw up all the food i ate.